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What pisses me off? Them posh types actin’ like it’s “therapy.” Therapy, my arse! It’s a cheeky grope with fancy oils—call it what it is! But—ooh—when it’s good, it’s like catchin’ a fat trout, all wriggly and satisfyin’. Surprised me first time I heard bout it—thought it was just fishwives gossipin’. Nope! Real as me precious ring. “I don’t remember,” says that headless lass in the film, all dazed. That’s me after a good rub—brain gone, body floppy, hissin’ happy.

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When I finally get back home, I’m exhausted. But wait! My sheep are all over the place! They’ve escaped! I’m running around like a madman, yelling, “Get back here, you fluffy little devils!”

Gabor Marton: Those out on the pitch will solve the task