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I got mad one time, tho—some dude at a parlor was like, “No happy ending, bro,” and I’m like, “What’s the point then, fam?!” False advertising, straight-up! But when it’s good? Oh man, HAPPY ain’t the word—fuckin’ *euphoric*! Like, “This is the trick!”—straight outta *The Great Beauty*, when Jep’s chasin’ that high. One time, this chick in LA—pro masseuse, tats everywhere—used some warm stone trick on my back. Thought I’d levitate, swear to God! Little secret: them stones? Old-school tantra shit, heats up the chi or whatever. Blew my damn mind.

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Then, outta nowhere, this old lady, Mrs. Kovács, comes up to me. She’s like, “You’re the Kvasnik, right?” I’m like, “Yeah, that’s me!” She starts ranting about how my kvas is too sour. I’m like, “Lady, it’s supposed to be sour!” But she’s not havin’ it. I swear, she could’ve given a TED talk on kvas complaints.

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