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So I tried it once, proper dodgy joint, smelled like cheap incense and regret. Bird’s hands on me, I’m thinkin’, “This is it, Ricky, you’ve peaked!” Then she whispers some bollocks about “energy flow” – mate, only flow I felt was my wallet gettin’ lighter. “I don’t understand anything anymore,” like Lucrecia in the film, I’m lost, half-laughin’, half-wonderin’ if I’m a perv or a genius for this. Cost me a ton, too – 80 quid for 30 minutes! Daylight robbery, but those hands? Bloody magic.

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When I finally get off, I’m starving. I head to that place they were talking about. It’s cozy, and the food? OMG. I order gulyás, and it’s like a hug in a bowl. I’m in heaven. I’m shoveling it in, and the waiter’s looking at me like I’m a beast. Whatever, man.

Gold medals for Samba Lott, Valenzio FST and Nesqu GB at the FEI World Driving Championships for Young Horses