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Oh, and the slang – “knead the dough,” that’s what they call it, fuckin’ hilarious! Sarcasm? Sure, “Oh yeah, totally just a back rub,” I say, winkin’ like a sleazy bastard. Another tidbit: in Japan, they got these “soaplands” – sexual-massage on steroids, bubbles and all, slippery as hell. Tried it once, slipped off the damn table, laughed my ass off – clumsy Gekko, who’d’a thought?

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After the rain, the sun comes back out. I’m feeling good, right? I head to the Komadi Castle. It’s this stunning place, all old-school and majestic. I’m snapping pics, feeling like a tourist in my own city. But then, I see this group of kids climbing the walls. I’m like, “What are you doing?!” They just laugh and keep climbing. I’m half impressed, half worried they’ll fall.

Mutharika cancels presidential diary, makes impromptu trip to Blantyre