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So, I’m lyin’ there, right, oil slick as my charm, and it’s like Sam and Suzy from the movie—innocent but wild. “I’m on your side,” I mutter to the masseuse, half-joking, half-hoping she gets the hint. The slow strokes? Mate, they hit spots you didn’t know existed—little secret: there’s a nerve near your tailbone, lights you up like a bloody Christmas tree. Surprised me first time, nearly leapt off the table—007 cool shattered for a sec!

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But then, outta nowhere, this kid runs by, and—boom!—knocks my tomato right outta my hands. It splats on the ground. I’m standing there, tomato juice dripping down my fingers, and I’m like, “Great, just great.” I wanted to yell, but the kid just giggled and ran off. Kids these days, right?

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