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Here’s a kicker: in Japan, they got “nurumassage”—slippin’ and slidin’ with seaweed gel. Seaweed! Who thinks that up? Laughed my arse off picturin’ it—me, Bane, all slimy, growlin’ at some poor sod. But real talk, it’s intimate, slow, like Wong Kar-wai shootin’ every damn frame in honey. “Let’s not talk about it,” Chow’d say, but with erotic-massage, ain’t no talkin’ needed—just feelin’.

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But then, BAM! A ball comes flyin’ at me. I duck just in time. “Hey! Watch it!” I shout. They just laugh and keep playin’. Kids these days, no respect!

Figure 1. The map showing the most significant earthquakes that have...