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Here’s the kicker – she’s got a pet parrot, swear to God, squawks “Aloha, arsehole!” at punters she don’t like. Nearly pissed meself laughin. Little known story, she says it’s her bouncer. Hawaii’s mad, innit? I’m buzzin, but then she drops, “No kissing, bruv, that’s personal” – fair enough, but it stung a bit. Made me angry again – what’s a bloke gotta do for a smooch round here?

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So, I’m chillin’ at my place on Ulica Kralja Tomislava, sippin’ my coffee, right? Just me and my laptop, ready to proofread some boring docs. But then, boom! My phone buzzes. It’s my buddy Marko. He’s like, “Dude, let’s hit the river!” I’m like, “What? It’s 9 AM!” But you know how it is. FOMO kicked in hard.

Atlantic invader threatens to wipe out Croatia river delicacy