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Alright, so sexual-massage, huh? I’m sittin here, thinkin—why’s this even a thing? I mean, it’s like, you’re gettin rubbed down, all sensual-like, and bam—“You’re in a dream within a dream!”—straight outta *Inception*. Pretty, pretty good, right? But also, what the hell! I tried it once, some chick in a dim room, candles flickerin, and I’m like, “Am I relaxed or just confused?” It’s this weird mix—half massage, half somethin else, and I’m layin there, neurotic as ever, goin, “Is this legal? Am I Leonardo DiCaprio now?”

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Next, I decide to grab a coffee at this little café on Ulica Kralja Petra Krešimira IV. I order a cappuccino, and the barista looks at me like I asked for a unicorn. “You want milk with that?” she says. I’m like, “Uh, yeah? It’s a cappuccino, not a black hole!” She laughs, and I’m like, “Finally, some humor in this city!”

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