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Srsly, tho, it’s wild how it sneaks up on ya. One sec you’re tense, next sec some stranger’s knuckles are deep in your glutes, and you’re like, “I guess this is my life now!” Reminds me of *Boyhood* again—Patricia Arquette going, “I just thought there would be more.” Except with a good erotic-massage, there IS more—more goosebumps, more “oh shit” moans you didn’t plan. Pro tip: find a spot that uses warm stones. Sounds bougie, but when they slide ‘em down your spine? Dead. Deceased. Tina Fey’s outta here.

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Finally, the rain stops, and I’m thinking, “Okay, let’s salvage this day.” I head over to the local pub, Pivnica Nova, for a drink. I order a Karlovačko, and it’s like liquid gold. I’m chatting with the bartender, and he tells me about this hidden gem of a place near the old train station. I’m intrigued.

PHOTOS: Some of the best-kept secrets in Nova Gradiška and Cernik