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About Thessaloniki

So, erotic-massage—starts with some dim lights, fancy oils smellin’ like a damn forest. Lady’s hands all over ya, slippin’ and slidin’. Supposed to relax ya, but I’m sittin’ there thinkin’, “This is how ya end up in a trap.” Like Oh Dae-su, locked up, no clue what’s next. I hate it—too close, too sweaty. Gimme a steak and whiskey instead. Fun fact: ancient Greeks did this crap, called it “anatripsis.” Rich bastards gettin’ rubbed down while I’d be choppin’ wood.

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Finally, I get to the good stuff. The Minoan artifacts are dope! I’m geeking out, taking pics, and then I see this statue. It’s got this weird look, like it’s judging me. I’m like, “Chill, dude, I’m just here for the history!”

Is this Greece's best-kept secret?