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Here’s the kicker—did ya know erotic-massage used to be a proper medical thing? Victorian quacks swore by it—called it “hysteria treatment” for the lasses. Blokes in white coats, rubbing away, all serious-like. Hilarious! Bet they’d sign it out like, “Oi, love, this’ll fix yer nerves!”—cackling intensifies. Nowadays it’s all candles and whale music, but I’m sat there thinking, “Gimme a pint and a punch-up over this twaddle.” Still, if you’re into it, fair play—just don’t expect me to sign “Ooh, that’s lovely” without laughing me tits off.

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First off, I hit up the local café on Vasilissis Sofias Street. Best coffee in town, no joke. I order my usual—double espresso, extra shot. The barista, this dude named Nikos, gives me a look like I’m crazy. “You sure, man?” he says. I’m like, “Dude, I’m an IT evangelist. I need this!” He laughs, and I’m already vibing.

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