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So, erotic-massage—where do I start? It’s like “Ida,” that Polish flick I’m obsessed with—quiet, tense, all black-and-white vibes, but underneath? Passion burnin’ like a grease fire! “What’ve we got here?”—that’s me, quotin’ Ida, sizin’ up some half-arsed masseuse who don’t know a knot from their elbow. Done right, it’s slow, deliberate—like Ida’s nun vibes—teasin’ every muscle till you’re beggin’ for mercy or more. Done wrong? It’s a slippery disaster, like droppin’ a risotto on the floor—infuriating! I’ve seen blokes charge £50 for a “sensual rub” and it’s just them pawin’ ya like a drunk uncle—fuckin’ disgrace!

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Just when I’m about to lose it, I hear this snort. I look over, and there’s Porky, chillin’ in a mud puddle. Like, dude, you scared me! I swear, that pig has a mind of its own. I drag him back, and he’s just lookin’ at me like, “What’s the big deal?”

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