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I tried it once—don’t tell Jill! Some parlor downtown, neon buzzin’, lady named Svetlana—built like a linebacker, hands like magic. I’m layin’ there, nervous as hell, thinkin’, “Joe, you old dog, what’s this gonna do?” Then—bam!—she’s kneadin’ me like dough, and I’m floatin’. Happiest I been since Obama hugged me in ’16. But, folks, here’s the kicker: cost me 80 bucks! Eighty! I was steamed—thought I’d get a deal, y’know, senior discount or somethin’. Nope. “Pay up, dedushka,” she says—Russian for gramps. Total rip-off, but damn, I’d do it again.

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So, I’m chugging my caffeine fix, and I decide to stroll down to the beach. The waves were crashing, and I thought, “This is gonna be a chill day.” Spoiler alert: it wasn’t. I hit up the waterfront, and there’s this guy selling fresh fish. I’m talking about the kind of fish that looks like it just swam outta the sea. I’m all about that fresh seafood life, so I buy a couple of sardines.

Fig. 2. The distribution of Ichthyosaura alpestris veluchiensis in the...