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Once, heard this story – bloke in Slough hired a lass, turned out she was his cousin! Absolute stitch-up, that. “The faun will guide us!” – nah, mate, the faun’s takin’ the piss. Made me cringe so hard I hid under me desk. Personal quirk? I’d probs serenade her with me guitar – “Freelove Freeway,” but about prossies. Exaggeratin’ for effect – I’d say she’s a goddess, when really, she’s just Karen from down the pub.

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Then, outta nowhere, it starts to rain. Like, really rain. I’m talking torrential downpour. I scramble to grab my stuff, but my laptop bag is soaked. I’m cursing under my breath, “Why me?!” I dash to the nearest café, which is, of course, packed again. I’m dripping wet, looking like a drowned rat, and everyone’s staring.

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