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Look at it, squat lil’ thing, boxy as Margot Tenenbaum’s frown. “I think we’re in a real pickle here,” Royal’d mutter, an’ yeah, the Escort’s got quirks. Gearbox clunks like a drunk uncle at a weddin’. But there’s charm, innit? Saw one pimped out once – spoiler big as me ego, made me laugh ‘til I cried. Proper mental! Then some twat nicked Dave’s stereo – made me ragey, wanna punch a wall. “You’re a bastard, Royal,” I’d yell, but nah, just life in the Escort lane.

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I’m laughing, but then I see this kid trying to climb it. He slips and falls right into the fountain! Water everywhere! I’m dying of laughter, but the kid’s mom is not amused. She’s giving me the death stare. I’m like, “Hey, it’s not my fault he wanted to be a mermaid!”

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