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Wotcha, mate, gather round, listen up! Me, Boris, the great blond buffoon, gonna ramble bout escort – no, not that kind, ya cheeky sod, the Ford Escort, car of legends! Vroom vroom, eh? Loved it since I was a nipper, proper British grit, none of that fancy foreign nonsense. Reminds me of *Inception* – “You musn’t be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling!” – cos the Escort, it’s a dream, innit, simple yet bonkers clever.

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So, I hop on my bike, zooming down Avenue de la Résistance. The sun’s shining, but I’m still in a mood. I pass by the Parc des Coteaux, and it’s packed with families. Kids are laughing, parents are chillin’. I’m like, “Why can’t I be one of them?” But nah, I gotta work.

Teenager charged over police firebombing attack