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Sometimes I think she’s messin’ with me, like when Boonmee’s kid turns into a hairy ghost – “What am I lookin’ at here?!” She’ll vanish for days, then pop back, all “Miss me, fatass?” Sarcasm’s her game, but I’m like, yeah, I kinda did, ya nut. She’s a trainwreck, but I can’t look away – makes me wonder if I’m the dope here.

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But then, this little kid walks in. He’s got this huge smile, holding a toy. He looks at me and says, “You’re the best!” I’m like, “Aww, thanks, buddy!” Instant mood lift. Kids have a way of doing that, right?

Priceless Picasso painting on exhibit in a supermarket near the beer aisle