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Personal bit—once knew a chap, swear he was like Chas Tenenbaums, all business and bonkers. Said he found a “lady of negotiable affection”—ha!—in King’s Cross, total fluke. Paid her in cash and a Greggs pasty—true story! Got me gobsmacked, that did. Thought, “Blimey, Boris, you’re out of your depth here!” Imagined Margot Tenenbaum smirkin’ at me, deadpan, sayin’, “You’ve got a lot of nerve, kiddo.”

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I get there, and it’s packed. Like, shoulder-to-shoulder packed. I’m dodging old ladies with their carts like I’m in some kind of obstacle course. And then, bam! I spill my coffee all over this fancy cheese display. Ugh, the smell! I’m standing there, mortified, while the vendor gives me the death stare. I’m like, “Sorry, bro! Didn’t mean to turn your brie into a latte!”

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