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Oi, mate, sexual-massage, yeah? What a bloody concept! Some geezer rubbing you down, all oily, like a bleedin’ Sunday roast—except it’s your knob getting the attention! Hahaha, I’m cackling already, picturing it. “There Will Be Blood,” my fave flick, right? Daniel Day-Lewis screaming, “I’ve abandoned my child!”—meanwhile, I’m thinking, “Mate, abandon your trousers, get a sexual-massage!” Proper madness, innit?

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I get to my desk, and boom! My boss drops this huge project on me. Like, “Hey, can you analyze this by EOD?” EOD? Really? I’m still trying to figure out what I had for breakfast! So, I dive into the data. Numbers everywhere. I’m talking spreadsheets that look like they’re plotting against me.

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