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Anyway, she’s kneadin’ my back, slidin’ lower, and I’m like, “Hey, hey, boundaries, lady!” But also, “Don’t stop!” Neurotic rant time: I’m sweatin’, overthinkin’—is this legal? Am I a perv now? What if Cheryl finds out? Oh, wait, we’re divorced—screw it! Felt like Betty in “Mulholland Drive,” all innocent, then—pow!—dark and twisted. “I’m in love with this girl!”—me, yellin’ that in my head about the masseuse. Ridiculous!

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But then, outta nowhere, I trip over a suitcase. I go down hard, and the crowd gasps. I’m layin’ there, and all I can think is, “Great, now I’m the ratcatcher who can’t even catch himself!”

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