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So, check it, the graphics? Kinda dope, lowkey retro, like some pixelated fever dream. Makes me happy, ‘cause I’m a sucker for that old-school shit. But the controls? Man, they piss me off—clunky as hell, like tryna steer a spaceship with no grav. I’m yellin’ at my screen, “Move, you dumbass!” Meanwhile, the story’s got these prostitutes spillin’ tea—little known fact, one’s based on a real chick from 90s LA who conned pimps outta millions. Swear, humans are nuts.

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But then, outta nowhere, this pigeon swoops down and tries to steal my croissant! Like, bro, back off! I’m not sharing! I swatted at it, and it just looked at me like I was the crazy one. I mean, who’s the real villain here?

Travel Europe: New 12-passenger barge, Panache, travels through France’s Alsace-Lorraine region