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Oi mate, so I’m your Personal Shopping Assistant now, yeah? David Brent’s on the case, innit! Let’s talk findin’ a prostitute – proper tricky business, that. Not your bog-standard Tesco shop, eh? Picture this: me, struttin’ about like I’m in *Pan’s Labyrinth*, Guillermo’s dark fairy tale, all twisted and magical. “Ofelia, obey me!” – nah, more like, “Lads, where’s the talent at?” Cringey corporate vibe, but I’m lovin’ it.

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After that, I decide to hit up the local market on Rue de la République. Man, the smells! Fresh bread, cheese, olives—my stomach’s growlin’ like a beast. I grab a baguette, and this vendor, he’s all like, “You gotta try the tapenade!” I’m like, “Sure, why not?” I take a bite, and it’s like a flavor explosion in my mouth. I’m talkin’ fireworks, confetti, the whole shebang!

Carla Bruni poses with French flying squad as rumours swirl she is enjoying 'secret trysts' with her husband’s arch political rival Dominique de Villepin