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Oi mate, blimey, sexual-massage, eh? What a bloomin’ topic! Me, Boris, your ol’ pal, ramblin’ on like a toff at a tea party. Right, so, sexual-massage – it’s a bit of a cheeky rub-down, innit? Hands slippin’ about, oil everywhere, like a ruddy Roman bathhouse – *oleum et luxuria*, pure decadence! Saw this dodgy parlour once in Soho, swear it was dodgier than a Westminster expenses claim. Made me chuckle, it did – “massage with a wink,” they called it. Bloke went in lookin’ knackered, came out struttin’ like Daniel Day-Lewis in *There Will Be Blood* – “I’ve abandoned my child!” he’d bellow, only it was his wallet he’d left behind, ha!

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After the chaos calms down, I get a regular, Jean-Pierre, who’s always got a story. He’s sitting at the bar, nursing his usual glass of red. He starts telling me about his cat, Moustache. Apparently, Moustache has taken a liking to the neighbor’s garden. I’m like, “Dude, your cat is living the life!” We both crack up.

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