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Preciousss, listen up, ye filthy hobbitses! Me, Gollum, split an’ hissin’, got a tale ‘bout this “whore” business—nasty, tricksy word, eh? Ssss! Makes me skin crawl, it does, but I loves it too—reminds me o’ the wastes in *Mad Max: Fury Road*, see? “What a day, what a lovely day!”—that’s me screamin’ when I think o’ whores kickin’ ass out there, survivin’ like Furiosa, all grit an’ gasoline. Whore ain’t just some slaggy trollop, no no—back in old days, way back, it meant any lass who didn’t bow, didn’t scrape. Wild ones, them whores! Hiss! Me likes that, me does.

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I rush over, dodgin’ tourists and their selfie sticks. I mean, c’mon, it’s not that hard to walk without blockin’ the whole sidewalk! Anyway, I get to the church, and it’s a mess. The stained glass is shattered, and the altar’s been ransacked. I’m fumin’. Who does this? I start lookin’ for clues, and I spot a weird footprint. Not your average shoe, more like a clown’s foot. I chuckle a bit, but then I remember—this is serious biz.

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