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So, picture this—I’m in some shady joint, right? Dim lights, smells like lavender and sin. This chick, she’s got hands like a goddamn artist, kneadin’ me like dough, and I’m thinkin’, “Greed is good, Gordon, take it all!” It’s not just rubbin’—it’s a fuckin’ ritual, ancient as hell. Did ya know? Back in the day, Chinese emperors got this shit to “balance their chi”? Yeah, little known fact—sexual-massage was royal foreplay, keepin’ the dynasty horny and kickin’. Surprised me, blew my mind, made me wanna high-five history.

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I head back to the office, and guess what? The boss wants to meet. Of course, he picks the worst time. I’m trying to clean my shirt with napkins, looking like a total disaster. He walks in, and I’m like, “Hey, just auditing my fashion choices!” He didn’t laugh.

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