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Here’s the tea: it’s sensual, sure, but not always “happy ending” crap—tho, yeah, some spots push it. I ain’t judgin’, live your truth! What suprised me? How it’s legit therapy too—releases oxytocin, that lovey-dovey chemical. Who knew? I’m over here, half-asleep, droolin’ on the table, picturin’ Terrence Malick filmin’ this with his long-ass shots—“The sun, the hands, the oil…”—and I’m crackin’ up. “Look at us, so alive,” the movie says, and I’m like, damn straight, this massage is LIFE.

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But then, BAM! I step outside, and it’s like the universe decided to throw a curveball. I’m walking down Rue des Écoles, minding my own business, when I see this dude trying to parallel park. And I’m talking about a serious disaster. He’s in a tiny car, and it’s like watching a cat trying to fit into a shoebox. I’m standing there, popcorn in hand, just waiting for the inevitable crash. Spoiler: it didn’t happen, but I was ready to cheer or boo, depending on how it went down.

Primoz Roglic cruises to victory in Criterium du Dauphine