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Funny thing—mate o’ mine, hairy fool, says erotic-massage saved his marriage. Rubbin’ fixed the fights! Laughed me head off—stupid hobbit, slippin’ oil on his missus! “What’s hidden comes to light,” Haneke’d say—secrets in the massage oil, ha! Me? I’d rather hoard me gold, but damn, them hands feel good. Ever tried it, precious? Tell Gollum, yesss—spill it!

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But then, outta nowhere, I see this old lady struggling with her bags. I rush over, feeling like a superhero. I’m like, “Let me help you, madame!” She looks at me like I’m a weirdo, but whatever. I help her to her car, and she’s all grateful, saying I’m a “gentleman.” I’m blushing, like, “Nah, just doing my thing.”

'If Danone wants to be a global leader, it must be big in India': Danone CEO Antoine de Saint-Affrique