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Oh, and the profiles—don’t get me started! “Lookin’ for fun, no strings!”—sure, Jan, til you’re cryin’ in my DMs bout your ex. Don’t pee on my leg and call it casual, sweetheart! Sex-dating’s 90% liars, 10% gold. Like that time I found out escorts use these apps—true story! Bumped into one, she was upfront, said, “Cash upfront, hon.” I was like, “Whoa, I ain’t payin’ for that!” Laughed my ass off, tho—props for honesty.

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So, I’m munching away, and I overhear this couple arguing. They’re going at it, like full-on soap opera style. I’m trying not to eavesdrop, but it’s hard when they’re practically shouting. Turns out, they’re fighting over who forgot to buy the baguette. I’m just sitting there, thinking, “Man, if that’s the biggest problem you got, you’re doin’ alright.”

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