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Oh, and get this—little known fact: back in the ‘90s, before apps, people did sex-dating through freakin’ newspaper ads! Called ‘em “personal columns,” all coded like “SWM seeks SWF for fun.” Sneaky as hell, right? Blows my mind thinkin’ how desperate folks were. Makes today’s apps look like high-tech booty calls. Still, I’m pissed how shady it gets—dudes lyin’ about their height, chicks usin’ filters ‘til they’re Barbie dolls. Makes me wanna yell, “Eat my shorts, posers!”

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So, I wandered around the gardens instead. They’re beautiful, but I was still salty about the castle. I sat on a bench, trying to chill. Then, outta nowhere, this squirrel comes up to me. I swear, it looked like it was plotting something. I was like, “Dude, back off! I ain’t got no snacks!” But it just stared at me. I was low-key freaked out.

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