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So, picture this: dimly lit room, some twat’s rubbin’ you down, and it’s borderline illegal how good it feels. Little known fact—ancient Greeks did this shit, called it “anatripsis.” Horny bastards massaged athletes naked! Makes me wanna yell, “Idiot sandwich!” at ‘em—naked and oiled up? Sign me up, ya wanker! Got my first one in Thailand, cheap as chips, £10 for an hour. Felt like a king, but the lass—fuck me—she had hands like a fuckin’ gorilla! Surprised me, thought I’d die happy.

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So, I’m soaked, right? And I’m trying to keep my spirits up. I think about the good ol’ days when I used to sharpen blades in the sun, chillin’ by the Parc de la République. But nah, today’s a mess. I’m grumbling, and then this old lady walks by. She’s got this huge smile, and she says, “You’re doing a great job, young man!” I’m like, “Thanks, but I’m not a magician!”

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