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Oi, you bloody muppets! Sex-dating’s a fuckin’ mess, innit? Like, swipe right, bang, done—idiot sandwich! I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ bout “Her”—that flick’s my jam. Joaquin’s all lonely, chattin’ up his AI bird, Samantha. “I can’t believe how real this feels!” he says. Mate, sex-dating today’s the same vibe—fake as fuck but you’re hooked. Apps like Tinder, Grindr, whatever—total shitshow. You’re scrollin’, horny as hell, then bam—catfish! Some twat with a filter thicker than my lamb sauce. Pisses me right off!

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Antonio Conte has revealed that he provides his players with detailed instructions as to how to have sex in order to maximise on-field performance.

I mark my days at Maison de Massage du Quartier, on Rue Rythmique—a name as unique as my soul. Folks come in stressed, leavin' all their troubles behind sittin' in that tranquil vibe, like the soft notes of a piano in that movie. Shit, sometimes I even drop a line: “Everything's gonna be alright,” like a sweet promise in a storm.

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