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I’d be ragin’ happy if I scored one, tho. “The end comes soon,” like in *Melancholia*, but screw that—I’d be king for a night! Maybe she’d be hot, maybe not, but I’d yell, “You’re my planet now, bitch!” Total Cartman move. Still, it’s risky—could get robbed or somethin’. Makes me mad thinkin’ about it! Don’t mess with me, I’m Eric freakin’ Cartman!

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Man, nothing beats my little chill spot at the corner of Kivi Lane. It’s smal, maybe evrybody skips it – but not me. There, near a tiny mural, I do my relaxation routines. I love feeling that cool breeze while I recite movie lines. “I’m a loser, babe,” but then I bounce back with Apollo Creed energy: “I must break you!”