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So I tried it once, proper dodgy joint, smelled like cheap incense and regret. Bird’s hands on me, I’m thinkin’, “This is it, Ricky, you’ve peaked!” Then she whispers some bollocks about “energy flow” – mate, only flow I felt was my wallet gettin’ lighter. “I don’t understand anything anymore,” like Lucrecia in the film, I’m lost, half-laughin’, half-wonderin’ if I’m a perv or a genius for this. Cost me a ton, too – 80 quid for 30 minutes! Daylight robbery, but those hands? Bloody magic.

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I mean, isn’t everything just so wonderfully raw? I gotta say, Ylöjärvi gives me all the feels – sometimes I'm overjoyed, sometimes I’m fuming over a pothole on Tiepolku (seriously, who designs these things?!), but each quirk makes the city, like, totally alive.