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I ask her rate—50 bucks, she says. Cheap, right? But I’m broke as a joke, so I haggle. “Don’t pee on my leg, girl, I ain’t no millionaire!” She smirks, drops it to 40. Deal. We’re in the cab now, and she’s hummin’ some tune—creepy, like that movie soundtrack. “Do you want to look at me?” she asks, all sultry. Hell yeah, I do! But it’s quick—15 minutes tops. Tractor seat’s squeakin’, I’m prayin’ no cop rolls by.

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Sometimes, I get so mad when tourists miss the beauty right off the beaten path. I shout like a campfire leader: "Look here, bucko! There's more to life than your neatly paved roads!" And then I chuckle like a fool, wishing I could invite y’all into my spa dreams.

Court issues hunting bans, suspended sentences in Finland's largest poaching trial