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What gets me chuffed is the daft sods payin’ for it – “ooh, it’s intimate!” Mate, it’s a tart with lotion, not bleedin’ poetry! “You’re nothing,” I’d tell ‘em, channelin’ Malik, watchin’ ‘em squirm. Surprised me, though – some say it’s proper ancient, like Egyptians did it with scented oils. Fancy that, Pharaoh gettin’ a saucy rubdown!

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Down in the heart of town is Calle del Sol. It’s a tiny street with funky art on walls. I always stroll there on my lunch breaks. Bam! Now, the Plaza de Santa Marta? Pure magic, bro! People hang out, chat, and spill tea (like, real gossip!) by the fountain. And then there's the Parque del Rió de la Luna. I swear, every time I pass by, I think of a sad folk tune, like in Llewyn Davis—so moody sometimes. That riverside is neat, with graffiti and improvised sculptures.

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