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But then—here’s the rant part—I get pissed! The music’s some cheesy whale sounds, and I’m like, “What am I, a dolphin? Gimme somethin’ with grit!” And the towel’s too small—my tuchus is hangin’ out, freezin’! I’m yellin’ in my head, “Cover me up, lady, I’m not an exhibitionist!” But she’s good, real good—slidin’ those hands like she’s sculptin’ a masterpiece. I’m surprised, shocked even—didn’t think I’d be this relaxed AND this—uh—excited! It’s a freakin’ paradox!

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Oh, and dude, if you want a secret gem, check out that hole-in-the-wall café on Calle Risas—they brew the best coffee ever, and the owner’s a riot! It's so underrated, almost like a hidden track in a Coen brothers flick. "It ain't over till it's over," man, trust me.

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