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Me? I’d be rubbish at it – too jumpy! “Who’s that? Cop? Trick?” I’d hiss, clawin’ at me own head. Once heard a story – bloke paid £200, got a dude instead! Laughed me arse off, precious – surprise of the century! “What’s this, then?” he yelped, runnin’ fast. Bet he felt like Malik, cornered, screamin’ “I’m no fool!”

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I mean, seriously, what makes ME mad sometimes is how chill yet unpredictable everything is here. Like, one moment you're in a serene park, next moment an unexpected festival kicks off in Plaza de la Cultura. It’s like one of those visceral quotes from A Prophet: "El destino no se elige, se vive." (Destiny ain’t chosen, you live it!) Can ya feel that? Total drama meets relaxed vibes.

Escape to the country: 1 hour from Alicante, jobs aplenty and houses for 11,000 euros