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Okay, real talk—erotic-massage ain’t just some shady backroom deal. It’s legit sensual, body-positive stuff. I got into it once—happy accident, swear! This chick, total pro, used warm oils, dim lights, and I’m like, “Whoa, I’m basically a puddle now.” Made me happy as hell—tension gone, soul floatin’. But then, ugh, the cost! Fifty bucks for 30 minutes? Robbery! I was pissed—wanted to haggle like a Warsaw street vendor.

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There's also this rad little park, Parque del Mar, where the river—uh, actually a small creek—splashes on softly. I'm not just whistlinin' Dixie here: the park's a calm oasis where I get deep, pleasure-coach musings. And, err, a true gem is near Calle del Sol, a side street not many peeps know about, but perfect to let your thoughts run wild. I almost lost my cool there once, angry at the world for a sec, but then, life is like that film – full of flashbacks and twists!

Horror as mum, 57, and daughter, 41, mauled to death by pet mastiffs