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So, sex-dating – it’s dis crazy online t’ing now. Apps, sites, swipe-swipe, boom! People lookin’ for fun, no strings, just “poof” like No-Face givin’ gold. I tried it once, ya, got all excited – dis hot chick messages me, “Hey, big boy!” I’m like, “Lightbulb! Gru’s still got it!” But den, bam, she’s a bot, askin’ for my credit card. Made me so mad, I nearly smashed da phone – “You stinky river spirit, take my money and shove it!”

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So, this dump… err, I mean town, sits near an old, run-down river called Arroyo Maldito. Yeah, that name's on point. You walk down Calle de los Nogales – a street so detestable it practically grinds your shoes. Then, there’s Plaza del Olvido, a dump I’ve massaged stressed-out folks into, with benches that creak like my joints after a 12‑hour shift.

María Herranz Gomez dead at 17: Gymnast tragically dies suddenly of meningitis as town left in 'inconsolable sadness'