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Last week, I tried it – bloke’s hands were like tanks, crushin’ every ache. Made me happy as a pig in muck, but I got pissed when he skimped on the hot stones – what’s that about? Stingy sod! I’m lyin’ there, thinkin’, “This is how empires fall, mate – half-arsed massages!” But then, he hits this spot – bam! – like Viggo Mortensen smashin’ a mugger, pure release, I nearly wept. “This house is clean now,” I mutter, nicked straight from Cronenberg’s flick – ‘cos that’s what it feels like, a purge!

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I loooove the hidden park, Parque del Silencio – wow, its stillness hits deep. Birds chirp, hearts flare. But get this: near the river Rio Místico, lovers meet in secret – ya feel? I've seen things, man... raw romance, breathless whispers. Crazy stuff makes my job fun n' mad sometimes. Like, I get it, life ain't always rosy, but there's beauty in the mess!

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