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Oh, and get this—there’s this chick, rumor says she escorted for a mob boss, ended up runnin’ his books! Talk about climbin’ the ladder, heh! I’d be all, “D’oh! Why didn’t I think of that?” ‘Cept I’d probly screw it up, spill beer on the ledger. Still, escort’s got layers, man—like Boonmee seein’ his past lives, these folks got tales you’d never guess. “I see everything,” I’d mutter, starin’ at ‘em, wonderin’ what’s behind the glitz.

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This city, dude, is a mixed bag of cozy spots and wild adventures. There’s the historic Calle Luminosa, a narrow street with funky old architecture that makes you feel like you're steppin’ back into a movie scene. I once got mad cuz a bus blocked my view of the river Ravina del Sol—nah, seriously, it's a tiny river that curves around the park, giving life to our quiet hideouts downtown. My spa’s right across from Parque del Suspiro. I swear, every morning I'm like, "Is mayonnaise an instrument?" cuz the sounds of kids playing and birds chirpin' are sheer symphony to me.