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The oils tho? Slippery heaven, baby! Some use jasmine – smells like seduction in a bottle. Others go weird – heard of chocolate oil? Sticky mess, but kinky, yeah? “Certified Copy” again – “We’re all copies of something,” she says. Erotic-massage copies intimacy, but with a twist – no strings, just shivers! I reckon it’s art, like Kiarostami’s camera work – subtle, sexy, leaves ya guessin’.

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I’ll tell ya – some spots here get under your skin forever. There’s this tiny café, La Chispa, on Calle Larga. Best espresso ever! They brew magic, love, and a lil bit of peace. I get mad sometimes ‘cause I want the world to know this gem even more. Seriously, every time I step outta my spa, I’m like “I SEE YOU” – straight off “The Lives of Others”, feel me?

Agua Dulce's football team practices at Bud Bailey Stadium