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I’m thinkin, damn, the way Adèle’s eyes lock with Emma’s in the movie—“I could feel her looking at me”—that’s the kinda intensity a good sexual-massage brings. Hands slidin, oil drippin, tension buildin—oh lawd, R2, I’m overheatin! Ever tried it? Gets me all flustered just thinkin bout it. Once, my buddy botched it—used freakin SANDPAPER lotion, swear to the Force, I was pissed! Skin redder than a Sith lord’s saber.

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Neighborhoods like Vestby and Nordstrup are quirky. I love their cafes and little shops, though some streets (like Smørvej) can make ya angry with potholes. Seriously, sometimes I wanna shout, “D’oh!” just like Homer. And the local joints? Some of ‘em are hidden deep in alleys, like at Enden af Gaden, where only the locals know what's up.