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About Cologne

So, last week, I’m cruisin’ downtown, feelin’ like a stud—how you doin’? —and I see this chick, leather skirt, smokin’ a cig like she owns the block. I’m thinkin’, “Joey, don’t be a schmuck, say somethin’ smooth.” But nah, I just stare, cause I’m an idiot. She winks, I’m hooked—bam! Turns out, she’s been workin’ that corner since the 90s, a freakin’ legend. Little known fact: some of these girls got nicknames—like, she’s “Cinnamon” cause she once threw a spice jar at a rude john. Hilarious, right?

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www.facebook.com will allow you to view the massage parlors in your area. Most actual websites for ordering one up have been taken down lately. That’s your best bet. Willing to bet if you fire up Missing: Rehau.

Now, don’t even get me started on the parks. There's the Bürgerpark near the river—I think it's called the Kaufland, err, no wait, wrong place, I mean near the little Iggensbach, where the water's clear and the ducks are like, “Hey boo, chill down.” I love massaging by that spot sometimes. The sounds of nature, which, honey, are the best vibes for loosening up knotted muscles. I always say, “Always bring your dreams, never forget your nose!” Oh, sorry, that might've been Wes Anderson talkin' in me.

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