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About Cologne

Aight, listen up, you little bastards! I’m Eric Cartman, Visitin’ Professor, and I’m here to talk sexual-massage, so RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH! Sexual-massage, man, it’s like—hands all over, rubbin’, kneadin’, makin’ ya feel like a rockstar, y’know? Like in my fave movie, *Almost Famous*— “It’s all happening!”—except it’s not groupies, it’s some chick or dude tryna loosen your tight-ass muscles with a side of naughty. I mean, who doesn’t want that, right? Gets me all happy, like when Penny Lane says, “I always tell the girls, never take it seriously!”—but damn, I take this shit serious!

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Hey, honey, lemme tell ya 'bout Cottbus – and Halleluyer! This city's somethin’ else, I swear. I’ve been livin’ here for years, workin’ on a slick dating app, so I see all them quirks folks miss. Now, pull up a chair, cuz I'm bout to spill tea like, "Just keep swimming!" (yup, that Finding Nemo line, sugar!)

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