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About Cologne

This one time, right, I spot her—legs like a war rig, face like she’s seen too many sandstorms. I’m chuffed, thinkin’, *She’s my ticket to Valhalla!* But nah, she’s haggin’ me for fifty quid extra—fifty! I’m ragin’, “You’re takin’ the piss, love!” Made me so angry I nearly kicked a bin over—dramatic, yeah, but it felt *epic*. “Witness me!” I yell in my head, but I just stump up the cash coz I’m a soft twat deep down.

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I’ve made some mistakes – oops, my bad – like one time I got lost on Kleiner Weg near the locals’ hangout, Altusried Café, and ended up tearing out my hair. I was like “This town is a maze!” but then, like in the movie “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly,” I realized: “everything is beautiful, in its own broken way.”

Personnel: New board spokesman at BLTD and FVB