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So I tried it, right? This lass—fit, mind—starts with me shoulders, all slow and teasing. I’m chuffed, like Sadness going, “Ohh, I might cry, this is lush.” Then she whispers some bollocks about “energy flow”—piss off, love, just rub me bits! Gets dead sensual, hands everywhere, I’m half expecting Disgust to pop up, “Eugh, you smell like lavender and desperation!” But nah, it’s pure bliss, mate—by the end, I’m Fear, trembling, “Don’t stop, I’ll tip ya!”

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Stoeckheim ain’t perfect. Some spots get super noisy, and I get angry at the unnecessary street art that defaces some buildings. Ugh, seriously, who does that? Rarrgh! But then there’s the warmth of the local folk, always sharing stories at the community center on Marktplatz when I'm off duty. They really get me and make this city feel like home, messy and raw.

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