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Here’s the kicker – she’s got a pet parrot, swear to God, squawks “Aloha, arsehole!” at punters she don’t like. Nearly pissed meself laughin. Little known story, she says it’s her bouncer. Hawaii’s mad, innit? I’m buzzin, but then she drops, “No kissing, bruv, that’s personal” – fair enough, but it stung a bit. Made me angry again – what’s a bloke gotta do for a smooch round here?

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Man, remember the tiny backstreet Kreiselweg? I once got lost there, and it was epic. I swear the universe threw confetti of emotions right there. And oh, the river Nahe glides by like it’s in a movie scene! Sometimes, when I'm mid-relaxation session, I imagine the water talking to me, like “embrace the absurd, just be, ya know?” Totally Carlos-esque.

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