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I tried it, ok? Tinder, Bumble, whatever—profiles full of chicks with duck faces and dudes flexin’ abs they don’t got. Made me angry, mang, all these fakes! Like, why you lyin bout your height, ese? I’m 5’7” and proud—don’t need no heels to get laid. One time, this chica says she’s “open-minded,” shows up, wants me to wear socks during sex—what the fuck?! Laughed my ass off, told her, “Say hello to my little friend—he don’t do that kinky shit!”

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I hope this paints a vivid picture, and if ya come round, you'll see me spa in action! Enjoy Reiskirchen, my dear friend – it's simply, unequivocally, fantastico!

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