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Oi mate, so I’m Creative Director now, yeah? Gotta spiel about erotic-massage – brilliant! Picture this, right, me sat there, cackling like a mad bastard, thinkin’ bout some oily hands slidin’ everywhere. Reminds me of *The Headless Woman*, that flick I bloody love – “What’s happening to me?” she says, all dazed, lost in her posh little crisis. That’s me, first time I stumbled into one of these parlours, right? Didn’t know if I was gettin’ a rubdown or a bloody interrogation!

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I love chattin’ ‘bout our parks too. Schlosspark is a gem – majestic and green. I meandered there once, feelin’ totally Zen. It gave me chills. The silver flow of the small Pülheimer Bach whispers relaxation secrets. Cool, huh?

The minimum price that the signing of Florian Wirtz would cost Barça